I haven't really been in BDSM all that long, but I have always been into alternate sexualities of various sorts — I think for my entire life, even when I was very young. From the age of 10 or 11, I knew I liked being naked. I don’t know if I’d call it exhibitionism, I just always loved being naked in public, at nude beaches, or hanging out naked with friends. After a first marriage that was not at all satisfying sexually, I met my second wife, and she saved me, in every way. We had a wonderful relationship that included swinging with friends, or at swingers’ clubs, and all different types of experimentation. We did play with power exchange a little bit, but mainly as a way of bringing another woman into bed with the both of us.
When my wife died, the first year was very tough. After that year I realized I couldn’t just sit in my house alone, so I started looking for companionship online. I knew I couldn’t go the vanilla route. It would have driven me crazy to end up back in a sexually restricted relationship. I wanted the kind of sexual adventurousness I’d enjoyed with my second wife. So I looked for web sites that catered to alternative sexuality. I found FetLife, which I thought was wonderful. It was all so interesting to me, the photos and the stories. That’s where I found the listing for the first munch I went to, and I really liked the people I met there, how open they were. I made some friends, and started going to more events. And then I went onto the Collarspace site to meet women who wanted a fetish lifestyle. This was about 4 and a half years ago.
I’ve always liked to be in charge, to be a leader. From the beginning I thought that’s what would suit me, but a couple of early experiences convinced me I’m Dominant. The first one, I met a guy who wanted me to help dominate his woman. He walked her into my house blindfolded and topless, and he instructed us both through a scene. What I loved about the whole thing was that she’d never even set eyes on me, and yet she was willing to let me touch her and play with her and tie her up because her Dominant told her it was all right.
This led me to try another experience, in which I invited a woman I’d talked with online to my house, someone I’d never met before. When she arrived, she found a series of written instructions I’d left for her while I waited on the back porch. The final instruction was that she would find me outside and kneel down and give me a blow job without so much as a word passing between us. I heard her come into the house, and I had no idea if she’d just turn around and leave. After all, this didn’t seem a reasonable thing to ask of a stranger. But eventually the door opened and she came out onto the porch naked, knelt before me and started sucking, all without saying a word. It was amazing to me, that a woman would be willing to do such a thing. From that point on, I was hooked, I thought, “I like this Dominant thing, this is going to work out.”
And then I saw Kat on Collarspace and really liked her fetching photo. She was a submissive looking for a real Dominant, she said. I invited her out, and we’ve been together since. I don’t know that I fit every definition of a Dominant. I’m not a sadist. I don’t get off from inflicting pain on Kat. But I don’t care how other people view it, or what their definition is. I know what I want and like, and I like to have my way.
I have tried being on the bottom, just to see what it felt like. I didn’t find those experiences arousing, so I don’t think I have any switch in me. I can't imagine not being in control; I’ve never liked not being in charge.
I want to evolve as a Dominant, introduce more of the things that I know would please my submissive, like impact play, but it’s slow. It’s hard to find the time to be consistent. Vanilla life gets in the way, and then health issues can get in the way. But I know it’s all on me, as the Dominant, to do something about it. It’s my responsibility.
I don't know that it's a sexual orientation in the sense that being gay or straight is an orientation. I think of it more as a sexual preference. I do know I’d have no interest in doing it if there wasn’t a sexual component. That’s what makes it fun for me.
I like power exchange, being in control. I’m a big fan of rope, and like to tie my sub in different harnesses. I’m open to impact play, because Kat enjoys it, but I can’t say I like dishing out a lot of pain. I don’t care to see bruises on my submissive. I like women in their natural state.
I like things to be a certain way, old school. I call it a Downton Abbey relationship. I like politeness, saying please and thank you. I don’t let her open her own door. I like being called “My Lord.” I like her serving me coffee in bed while she’s naked. I like being bathed — I haven’t washed my own hair or scrubbed my own back in two years. I really like having her naked, and will ask her to take her top off in the car — things like that.
But I what I absolutely love is dishing out discomfort. I love to say things that cause a woman to turn beet red. That’s one reason I organized a CFNM (clothed female nude male) party in our community. You’d think it would make the men more uncomfortable, but actually it makes the women more embarrassed to be around naked men. I love to make women blush and squirm. I love getting Kat to do something she didn't think she would be willing to do, something difficult for her, like getting naked in a hot tub with other people. She doesn’t like the idea, but she does it anyway to please me.
The increased communication. It helps set up a relationship in which the two of you can talk about anything — about your deepest secret desires, or sexual difficulties, or things you've done in the past, fun you’ve had with other people, all those good things. When you can communicate about all that, I think you end up with a much deeper relationship than many vanilla relationships where all those topics are glossed over or swept under the rug.
I get a lot of what I call “fantasy pleasure” out of it. If you'd told me back when I was a young man, not very sexually satisfied in my first marriage, that at 75 years old I’d be in a hot tub with six naked women, and having all these rich sexual experiences, I would not have believed it. It just wouldn’t have seemed in the realm of possibility. I find it all wonderfully enjoyable, the public and the private.
We are very active in the local BDSM community. I love having kinky people as friends. I can talk about anything, make jokes, do things I’d never do with my vanilla friends, watch porn, get naked in the hot tub. And there’s no judgment; everyone is very accepting of all different kinds of people. There can be a little ageism with the younger people, but it’s not too bad, and I can understand it. I’m wary of making young women particularly feel like they’re being drooled over, so it’s probably natural for the community to divide somewhat into age groups. But overall, it’s a great group of people, and we like to make it a point to go over and talk to new people at a munch, and welcome them into the community. I really enjoy getting to know so many interesting people.
It’s funny, because Kat, my submissive, didn’t see the reason to join a community. I had to talk her into it, and now she is pretty much the social secretary of our entire circle of kinky friends.
I have enjoyed playing with friends in the past, and my second wife and I did a fair amount of swinging or swapping, but always in the same room. We wanted to share the experience, to be able to watch each other, and that was wonderful. But I don't think of myself as polyamorous. I think of that as having two loving relationships and trying to balance them, and that doesn’t appeal to me. I’ve let someone else flog my submissive, let him play with her boobs, but I don’t think playing with other people in a BDSM context, or even a swinging context, counts in my mind as poly. You could call it “poly play” if you like, or something like that, but it doesn't seem like it's polyamory.
No, I don’t really talk about it to people who aren’t in the BDSM community. I’m retired, so it’s not a job thing really. It’s more my about my family. Some of them are a little closed-minded, although I suspect a few know a bit from seeing certain things at my house. I also have some friends that are more conservative, and I have a feeling that if they knew, I could be shunned by them and not invited places. I could be wrong about that, I don’t know. It’s not that I'm embarrassed about it. If somebody asked me directly, I’d be honest with them, but I just don’t want to complicate my life.
That a submissive is somehow being coerced into this when in reality it's usually the submissive who starts the whole thing.
I wish they knew how satisfying it is to the people who partake in it. From what I can tell, people are generally happier in a BDSM or power exchange relationship. They are more able to get past hangups or whatever, communicate better, and just have more fun.
No. I don’t see why I would. I find this a hugely satisfying way to live.
I think you have be open to researching and learning, whether it’s reading books on the subject, or finding a mentor or taking classes. Don’t think you can just jump in and it will all be second nature to you. Yes, you can rely on some instincts as a Dominant, but there’s definitely a learning curve. Keep an open mind because you run into so many different kinds of people, some who are alternative genders, or have different kinds of fetishes, and others who have been through some tough emotional experiences. In this community, that stuff is in the open and not hidden, which is great, because being accepted for who you are is important. So an open mind really helps you and everyone else in the community