Fifteen years now. It wasn’t until I was in my ‘50s, so kind of late in life.
I’m a submissive. It was not an easy thing to accept at first. I’d never really had any kind of longings in that direction. As a kid, we’d play cowboys and indians and I was always the one who wanted to be tied up, but as an adult I was a take-charge woman — I liked to run things. I started dating someone who asked me if he could tie me up, and I wasn’t sure if that sounded good to me, but he asked me to trust him, so I did. We negotiated a little bit, and came up with safewords, and he tied me spread eagle on the bed, and put me in a blindfold. That blindfold intimidated me and I didn’t like it, but then he started playing with me, hitting me with a riding crop, things like that. It was pretty exciting, and I left a big wet spot on the bed! It made me want to explore more, and we had a lot of fun with it. He was always very good to me, but he was more of a sensual top than a true Dominant. If I did something he didn’t like, he wouldn’t say anything about it. I started reading a lot of books about D/s, so I could understand it better.
It was only after my time with him that I found a real Dominant, a true sadist who took me further into submission than I ever imagined I could go – personally, sexually, in every way. I was amazed at how much pain I could take, how much I wanted to take, and how he’d have me begging for it. All I wanted was to please him; I’d be in tears if I thought I’d displeased him. I just loved giving up control. He trained me to sexually respond to what he wanted. There is a certain place on the back of my neck, where if he bit me there, I’d go weak in the knees. But he was very strict: if I dared to roll my eyes at him, I’d get smacked. I respected that, and eventually a slap in the face became like foreplay.
I was very devoted to him, and he took care of me, but I never lived with him. It was never a full-time thing. Now I live with my Dominant, Michael, but he is very different — he’s not a sadist.
I don’t think I’m a switch. I could never be a Dominant. I know I could never top my own Dominant, even in play. I did hear a Dominatrix talk about how to create a sensual experience for a bottom, and that made me curious about topping, but I would consider that more as a service to someone, acting as a service top.
It was hard for me to accept that it is okay to submit. There’s a preconception that only a weak person would submit, but I learned it takes a strong person to be able to let go, to trust, to surrender, to take pain, or whatever your Dominant wants to dish out. Once I got over the mental challenge, and gave myself permission, I just loved everything about it.
I don’t know, some people look at it as a roleplay game, but it’s not a game, it’s a serious life choice. I imagine that if I’d discovered BDSM when I was a lot younger, I’d be a full-on slave by now!
I enjoy the whole power exchange; I enjoy the control, the psychological aspect. I don’t know why it works so well for me, but it’s like my old Dom used to say, the pussy doesn’t lie. He showed me how I’d get wet even when I didn’t consciously realize I was getting wet. He would use orgasm control on me to a point where I could orgasm on command just to please him. I’m embarrassed to say how easily I would come for him. It was all from psychological control. I like impact play too, and especially any kind of nipple clamps. I’ve gone into subspace in the past just from nipple clamps, but I’m no longer into heavy pain as I once was. My Dominant now isn’t into giving me pain, but I’ll do anything he says. I wait on him. I like to do things that I know please him, even if it’s not natural for me, like calling him “My Lord.” If he were to say, I’d like you to suck my toes, it’s like, okay, I’ll suck your toes.
It’s a special connection we have. I feel very safe, very comfortable with my Dominant. I feel understood. And we laugh and have such a good time.
I have more confidence in myself than I ever have before. My Dominants have given me that through acceptance and permission to be myself. I am more accepting of myself, too. I can say, this is me, and feel good about it.
Yes, and I love my kinky friends; they all enhance my life. We can be open with each other, and talk about anything and everything. We can sit around drinking wine topless if we feel like it, and laugh about things. There's just such an openness and an acceptance of each other.
In the past I was open to the idea of bringing in others, but mostly I’ve been with one man, one Dominant, at a time. So I’d say I’m monogamous – I don’t feel the need for anything more — although I wouldn’t mind playing with another woman if I found one. I had a woman friend in the past and we realized we were attracted and interested in playing with each other, but we had Doms that couldn’t handle it, so that was the end of that.
Not very, because I don’t think they’d understand. We’re pretty careful about who we let know. My sisters know I am interested in BDSM generally, but they have no idea what we really do. I have a feeling Michael’s kids know a little bit, but as far as my son, no, he doesn’t know anything, and I don’t see why I’d tell him. Why would he want to know about my sex life?
I suppose a lot of people might think we're a bunch of mental cases, that submissives have all been abused, or that we’re weak-willed, but the truth is nothing like that. Most people I know in the community are very intelligent and well-educated, and basically normal. No, actually, I think they’re better than normal, because normal “vanilla” people (I call them Muggles) probably don’t have the level of communication and openness and acceptance that we do. I think if vanilla people communicated the way we do there might not be so much shame, or so many divorces.
No. Once you go to the dark side, you just can't go back! Plus, I have the most wonderful group of friends in this lifestyle. My sister came to one of our parties and told me, “You have really interesting friends.” I wanted to tell her, that’s because they’re kinky!
If it’s a submissive woman, I’d tell her it’s okay to submit, allow yourself to surrender. There’s strength in it. And it’s exciting. And it’s so much fun!