bdsm sex

The allure of BDSM is mysterious to many. Why do people like to be tied up or spanked, as in Bondage & Discipline? Why would someone want to turn their sexual choice over to another, as in Dominance & Submission? How many people are “into” that, and why? The essays, articles and links on this page explore BDSM sex from a “Facts and Science” perspective.

Most people grow up practicing the religion of their parents, and by the time they are adults, they often have a lot of strong feelings about religion and perhaps even emotional scars from religious trauma. I didn’t have to deal with that; my mother was a hippie who was anything but religious, but she did practice her own version of spirituality. Which means I had lots of exposure to psychics and card readers and things like Native American ceremonies, so I learned to appreciate all kinds of mysteries and their symbols. I think that’s one reason my first religious play scene was so powerful for me. Although, I didn’t actually know I was about to be part of a religious scene. [...]

For over 16 years now, I have been fascinated with needles. I have been part of hundreds and hundreds of needle scenes, as both top and bottom, with all kinds of people. I also teach classes in needle play at kink conventions and in private dungeons. It’s not exactly a common kink, but I know from the number of people who show up to needle play classes that it is the subject of much curiosity in the BDSM world. So, what draws someone to needles? I’ll start with what drew me. [...]

Almost all rules, rituals and protocols center around the Dom practicing control of the sub, and the sub practicing surrender to the Dom’s control. There are a number of areas in which a Dom can control the sub’s body and behavior, and a couple can choose from those that feel like pack the most power for them and their unique dynamic. [...]

When we think of “training” in a D/s relationship, the first image that comes to mind is of a Dominant introducing his/her submissive to a set of rules or rituals and instructing the sub in how he/she wants them performed. We imagine a Dom sitting in chair, riding crop in hand, teaching the sub deferential positions like kneeling, then reaching out to give a stinging flick of the crop if the sub doesn’t get it right. [...]

In my very first BDSM relationship, I was the Dominant. Well, I played the role of Dominant anyway, dressing up in leather, whirling a flogger over my head, giving my masochistic boyfriend frequent beatings … and growing very irritated when he didn’t do what I told him. Aren’t you supposed to be my submissive? [...]

In my first foray into BDSM, it was my pain-loving self-proclaimed “submissive” boyfriend who put a whip in my hand and begged me to use it on him. Being what I have always called “sexually game,” I gave it a try. I was not a fan of whacking him, not at first, I winced the entire time. Then he let me take a turn on the receiving end. Ohhhhh. I suddenly “got it.” [...]

The question: Is BDSM and power exchange a sexual orientation in the way that homosexuality or bisexuality clearly is? Or is interest in kink a choice, like one chooses a hobby? [...]

I am visiting a friend, and her husband is watching TV in the den and laughing. It catches my attention, a rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond, because poor Ray is desperate to get laid but can’t get his wife to agree to sex. He feels angry and resentful, she feels pushed and resentful ... Of course, I can’t help but think they’d both be soooo much happier if she’d just submit to her horny husband already. [...]

When most people imagine the “bottom” half of BDSM, they imagine taking beatings, withstanding pain, intense sensations, and probably intense excitement. I do get all of those things when I submit to my body to my husband’s lovingly sadistic desires. But the core of the experience of submission is so much deeper than physical sensation. It is more a phenomenon of mind than body. [...]

The discovery of power exchange and BDSM set my marriage on sexual fire and swept up my husband and I in a wave of more honest communication, deeper intimacy, unbreakable trust, and more liberated love. We deeply wished we had discovered our D/s dynamic sooner, and I often felt angry that this path to unlocking sexual nirvana for us had been so deeply buried under myths and taboos and off-putting fetish porn that we only discovered it by accident. [...]