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How Submission Feels

by Terra Bloom

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When most people imagine the “bottom” half of BDSM, they imagine taking beatings, withstanding pain, intense sensations, and probably intense excitement. I do get all of those things when I submit to my body to my husband’s lovingly sadistic desires. But the core of the experience of submission is so much deeper than physical sensation. It is more mind than body.

The process of letting go and submitting takes my “self” away. It is freedom from self, this amazing nothing/everything, this purity of experience. Sometimes, when I am very deep into a submissive experience, I want to express the words, ‘I love you’ to my dominant Daddy, but it is hard to even think the word “I,” because I cannot connect subject to object, or make a sentence that makes sense out of it. I’m not a subject, I am all object, and there is love and there is intensity. I am completely swallowed in the moment.

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The philosopher David Deida often advises men to more aggressively love their women, “love her to smithereens.” He believes our love is too polite and respectful, it does not carry us away anymore, and I would not have thought that was true.

This is how submission is changing me, making it so that making love is no longer something I am “doing.” I am no longer thinking about how I am doing it, it has become something that is “happening.” I switch from thinking to experiencing, I am not doing anything, I am just open and allowing, and pleasure is happening, love is happening.

The philosopher David Deida often advises men to more aggressively love their women, “love her to smithereens.” He believes our love is too polite and respectful, it does not carry us away anymore, and I would not have thought that was true. I would have said my sex the past ten years was amazingly passionate and loving. But then, I had no idea what it was like to be truly carried away, to be loved to smithereens through rough, powerful, dominating sex.

Maybe I feel the need to be broken, like a horse is broken. Although I suppose a better word might be tamed, like any animal can be tamed. All kinds of mammals are compelled to belong to an alpha, submit to a master, and once they know who their owner is, they are happy and contented creatures. Everyone understands and enjoys how animals submit themselves to their owner and become souls of devotion. Am I not evolved from animals? Science says I am a primate, with animal instincts still intact, and all that sexual animal wiring creating animal longings, as designed by nature.

We forget this, we live so much in our heads, outside our bodies. I feel like I have only been half-a-human being for most of my life, all the head half, the thinking half, the remote-from-real-life half. The rope, the spankings, the clamps, the anal breaches—they are all ways Daddy has broken through the hard shell of conditioning that makes me forget my animal self and leaves me trapped in my mind. He has given me my body back, brought my sexual body roaring to life, with all its animal needs and longings. He has made me wholly human; I am inhabiting my body for the first time. I keep telling myself I am getting lost in this D/s dynamic, but no, no, I am certain I am being saved by it. His domination of me has possessed me, and satisfied me, like nothing else in my life.

And I want more.

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Excerpted from the book, Ravish Me: A BDSM Memoir of Submission, by Terra Bloom.

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